Rubi.21. Capricorn, Rubenesque, Rude, Sarcastic. Adventures, being young and reckless, insomnia, feeling the vibrations of the universe around me. Trying new things, living, breathing and being.
When I’m alone I feel a desperate longing to be in the presence of another. My inner conscious enjoys the aura of another; my heart longs for a fellow beat as well. Once he leaves I am immediately left with my bored loneliness. I feel empty as he walks out my door, not be seen for a few days. Oh I will miss thee. Only a couple days feels so long away.
Pathetic really. I need inner peace and strength, but ever once of flesh wishes to have you in my orbit.
When the Demigod sleeps on the floor in front of me I can never focus enough for sleep. My mind wonders to all the places he won’t allow my mouth or hands to go.
Last night we came at the same time, that’s not something I’d really had in mind; for us. My six month long one-night stand, you’ve wrapped your heart around my fist and I can’t get you off my hand. The trouble lies in life goals. Like Mother Nature herself I am nurturing at times and catastrophic at others. You’ve done nothing wrong, if anything you’ve been more than perfect, but I can’t stand it. You time it just right, you revel in my flesh and tell me I’m beautiful, but when you asked me if “I can call you mine” it made my skin crawl. Sweet, caring fellow Capricorn Chicano can’t you see? I’m the type who likes to work for my love and you give it much too easily. I’m an emotional masochist who likes to take my pray down fighting. Yet…when you kiss me good morning and savor in my tangly hair I can’t help but wonder if there isn’t anyone else out there, for me.
He bought me ice cream and then we went to the dog park. Perfect summer day, completed with Harry Potter and Torchy’s Tacos Queso
"What are you looking at?" he asked with a smirk.
He never makes it easy, he never let’s it go, Instead we tumble on like rose petals in the snow. Come closer boy, let me touch you, let me love you. Take a deep breath and please stop crying, my guilt eats me alive and every time I feel like I’m going to die. You make me laugh like a drunkard when I haven’t even touched the stuff, you please me with your mere existence. Come closer boy, let me touch you, please, please let me touch you. I’m angry that you won’t let me treat you like a prince, oh please boy let me down you like after dinner mints; hold you warm in my mouth and tickle you with my tongue and never let you go. Oh Demigod, let me love you.
Even Demigods have childish moments. Mine did on Saturday night. Our heads were dazed with alcohol since noon and as 1am rolled around his maturity level plummeted also. He threw a fit and called me a bitch and ended up stealing my car and taking some skank home with him to his brothers apartment. The mini demigod has be gentlemanly all day, rubbing my shoulders with his slim hands while we dried our bodies in the sun. He took the time to convince me to swim in the creek, my Demigod didn’t care. He discarded me and then later had the audacity to call me a bitch when all I wanted was for him to leave me alone. I drank too much, ate too much fungi and spun too hard. I threw up in his front yard and then slumped into the comfy guest bed.
I’m currently laying on the floor, the hour long yoga meditation I tried doing is still soothing my mind in the background, the waves still trying to pull me back from this waken world. It won’t have me. I want you to have me. I want you to come over, see me sweaty, disheveled and a mess and suddenly realize I’m a sight for sore eyes and whisk me up into your flaming arms and tell me you want nothing more than to get my feet over my shoulders. That you want to be the strict daddy and me the cool mom and that our sons middle name can be my fathers if I so choose and that no matter how much we’ll struggle you’ll never tire of my dry humor and clumsy feet. What a fantasy, to be blissfully taken on my plum yoga mat. The video has ended, the credits are done, yet you still aren’t here. Guess I’ll shower and shave and then maybe drink an ice cold beer.
Oh god he turns me on. Build me my shoe rack boy, tuck in that tight black baby shirt and flaunt those back muscles. Oh god…forgive me of these sinful thoughts that this man evokes within my mind, which soon resonates downward. Forgive me for my sins lord, if I’m around this boy I’m bound to sin more.
Photo by Rubsta
This came at the perfect time…the truth in this statement is astounding.
Crossing the narrow plane between consciousness and the dream realm I placed my head upon your chest. I gazed into those black pits of molten hidden emotion and grazed my nails down the side of your cheek to the back of your head, scratching ever so lightly. With my ear to your flesh I could hear your heartbeat. As my nails trailed through your skin your heartbeat quickened. I never thought in a thousand years I would have that effect on someone, let alone know about it…which is why it makes it so much harder that I’m not completely in love with you. I want to be, if only to spare myself more agony. Yet at the end of it all, all the sex and all of your beautiful words I still dream of another man often. Oh how horrid I am.
Is it weird I really like this picture? The cast, the dude duck face and my typical pretend ‘little gangster’ persona. This picture really personifies how short I am in comparison; sickening really. Twangs, tingles, mixed up and concocted…let this summer bring nothing but splendor.