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Rubi.22. Poet, Literature Major, Sculptor, Capricorn and often quite a mess; this is the record of my life, my poems, my passions and probably my insanity. Come down my rabbit hole if you dare.

I hate it when you call me crying, I hate it even more that it’s about Her. the flower of your affection, the child of your heart. She and I aren’t even in the same league, let alone the same species. You adore her, she is your life. I am your best friend, the one you consult with at night. She and I are not the same. She gets to cuddle into your chest, when I have nightmares about you eating my flesh. She gains all your attention, while I fight for appreciated recognition. Now she must come to stay with me and I’m more than a little happy. I know I can’t have it all, I would have settled just for You. Instead I must play second best and creepily envy what you choose. Everyday I must renew my hope, and learn to love a cat lover, instead of mope.


Rubi McLaughlin

Peanut butter and banana sandwich on a rainy Monday afternoon

Peanut butter and banana sandwich on a rainy Monday afternoon

Acid is the only thing you care about. It’s the only thing you think will take you higher and to that safe haven you’ve created in your head. This realm of Gods and darkness collide within you Demigod, and you selfishly indulge in this other reality in order to find a glimmer of purpose. I would give you purpose except that you have nothing but blinders on. I’m taking a step towards getting away from this toxic thing and towards the warmth of serenity.

Rubi McLaughlin

I almost lost you today,
I had tried my hardest to push you far away
And I failed.
I got a slap in the face with your anger today,
I pushed you too far and you snapped,
And I cried.
I tried to trick you with my poker face,
You saw right through my mask, called my bluff and got mad.
It was never my intention to make you sad. I just wanted to have sex and have fun,
You’ve twisted my heart into a knot full of songs unsung.
Please my sweet, gentle Chicano, please let me make it better. Please let me right my wrongs.

Rubi McLaughlin

I felt you nearing me, even as I slept. I slumbered by the pool and you came out to find me and before your frame even entered the doorway I shot away. I felt a stir, a presence which brought my mind from darkness to light in mere seconds. Then again that’s why you’re the demigod, you bring light into my darkness and make me smile sleepily without any effort. If only I always got to wake up to you.

Rubi McLaughlin

When I’m alone I feel a desperate longing to be in the presence of another. My inner conscious enjoys the aura of another; my heart longs for a fellow beat as well. Once he leaves I am immediately left with my bored loneliness. I feel empty as he walks out my door, not be seen for a few days. Oh I will miss thee. Only a couple days feels so long away.

Pathetic really. I need inner peace and strength, but ever once of flesh wishes to have you in my orbit.


Rubi McLaughlin

When the Demigod sleeps on the floor in front of me I can never focus enough for sleep. My mind wonders to all the places he won’t allow my mouth or hands to go.

Last night we came at the same time, that’s not something I’d really had in mind; for us. My six month long one-night stand, you’ve wrapped your heart around my fist and I can’t get you off my hand. The trouble lies in life goals. Like Mother Nature herself I am nurturing at times and catastrophic at others. You’ve done nothing wrong, if anything you’ve been more than perfect, but I can’t stand it. You time it just right, you revel in my flesh and tell me I’m beautiful, but when you asked me if “I can call you mine” it made my skin crawl. Sweet, caring fellow Capricorn Chicano can’t you see? I’m the type who likes to work for my love and you give it much too easily. I’m an emotional masochist who likes to take my pray down fighting. Yet…when you kiss me good morning and savor in my tangly hair I can’t help but wonder if there isn’t anyone else out there, for me.

Rubi McLaughlin

He bought me ice cream and then we went to the dog park. Perfect summer day, completed with Harry Potter and Torchy’s Tacos Queso

"What are you looking at?" he asked with a smirk.
“You,” she replied, leaning back into the couch, her eyes never leaving his.
“Why?”
She giggled and decided to be brave then said “Because I’ve never seen anything more beautiful.”

He never makes it easy, he never let’s it go, Instead we tumble on like rose petals in the snow. Come closer boy, let me touch you, let me love you. Take a deep breath and please stop crying, my guilt eats me alive and every time I feel like I’m going to die. You make me laugh like a drunkard when I haven’t even touched the stuff, you please me with your mere existence. Come closer boy, let me touch you, please, please let me touch you. I’m angry that you won’t let me treat you like a prince, oh please boy let me down you like after dinner mints; hold you warm in my mouth and tickle you with my tongue and never let you go. Oh Demigod, let me love you.

Rubi McLaughlin

Even Demigods have childish moments. Mine did on Saturday night. Our heads were dazed with alcohol since noon and as 1am rolled around his maturity level plummeted also. He threw a fit and called me a bitch and ended up stealing my car and taking some skank home with him to his brothers apartment. The mini demigod has be gentlemanly all day, rubbing my shoulders with his slim hands while we dried our bodies in the sun. He took the time to convince me to swim in the creek, my Demigod didn’t care. He discarded me and then later had the audacity to call me a bitch when all I wanted was for him to leave me alone. I drank too much, ate too much fungi and spun too hard. I threw up in his front yard and then slumped into the comfy guest bed.
The next day I was livid when I discovered he’d taken my car. But I still can not decide if I’m more mad that he betrayed my trust or once again chose some subpar slut over my affections. So his mother and stepdad love me, so what if they showered me with love and floral head pieces. It doesn’t matter that they like me so much, that has no sway on his blatant reluctance to admit he loves me. He won’t let me sleep with his best friend or brother; but why bother when you don’t want to be the one to love me.
He came to my house to return my car and I’d just gotten out if the shower. In my black 2009 San Japan t-shirt and pink leopard pajama pants and hair still messy and damp my eyes gave my anger away. He handed me my keys and started apologizing and I tried to keep my poker face. I tried to be stone. I cracked. Water leaked from the cracks in my facade and my stone burst. I told him how disrespected I felt, how betrayed it all felt. The waterworks came and came and as he slowly ascended the stairs to stand before me I tried my hardest to remain strong as he wrapped me in his arms tighter than he ever has and even when I tried to push him away he didn’t let me. I sobbed into his shoulder that I didn’t like feeling this way, that I didn’t like feeling used. I tried to run and hide from him, disgusted by my own weakness before him. He followed me and consumed me in his arms again. His eyes leaked as he looked down at me at arms length and apologized again and again. He asked how long I would be mad at him and I said I didn’t know. I gave him no reassurance that I would get over it, even though we both knew I would. He hugged me hard a couple more times before I told him he should go. I told him I needed time and to be alone. His skin on mine was too much, it made it so much harder. I wanted to tell him I was upset he didn’t pick me. I wanted to say that my heart hurt just as much as my pride but I couldn’t. When I looked at him I choked, knowing he wouldn’t accept me. Oh God, how much I wanted him to realize all he needed to do was kiss away the tears. He won’t though, he never will. He’ll always just think of me as that friend that supports his every dream and cooks him those homemade meals.

Rubi McLaughlin

I’m currently laying on the floor, the hour long yoga meditation I tried doing is still soothing my mind in the background, the waves still trying to pull me back from this waken world. It won’t have me. I want you to have me. I want you to come over, see me sweaty, disheveled and a mess and suddenly realize I’m a sight for sore eyes and whisk me up into your flaming arms and tell me you want nothing more than to get my feet over my shoulders. That you want to be the strict daddy and me the cool mom and that our sons middle name can be my fathers if I so choose and that no matter how much we’ll struggle you’ll never tire of my dry humor and clumsy feet. What a fantasy, to be blissfully taken on my plum yoga mat. The video has ended, the credits are done, yet you still aren’t here. Guess I’ll shower and shave and then maybe drink an ice cold beer.

Rubi McLaughlin

Oh god he turns me on. Build me my shoe rack boy, tuck in that tight black baby shirt and flaunt those back muscles. Oh god…forgive me of these sinful thoughts that this man evokes within my mind, which soon resonates downward. Forgive me for my sins lord, if I’m around this boy I’m bound to sin more.

Photo by Rubsta